The Ultimate Combo

Where is Steven Matherly when all else fails?

I don't mean to sound all emo, but he'd usually be up at this hour, and I'm expecting an IM from him. Really though, he was the the guy always down for me. It’s hard to find cause lately so many people just don’t have that realness in them the way he did. I miss you more and more each day, it still hurts... RIP <3


Today was filled with sunshine - bright sunny days, a good day to take a walk. After study hall at school around 4, I didn't know what to do, who to hit up, so I scrolled down the numbers in my phone book... happened to stumble across Steven Matherly's name, and FOR A SPLIT SECOND, I was really about to call him subconsciously, as if he was still here to kick it with me. I ended up just taking a walk by myself to buy some Thai Tea boba; our absolute FAVORITE and the same drink he bought me the last time I saw him physically. I miss his smile, and his laugh... I used to be able to call his number up WHENEVER WHEREVER because he was just that great of a friend to me... do you know how freaking rare it is to find an awesome friend like that? Because I can literally count on ONE HAND how many friends I have that are down for me like how he was. He's rare; hard to find. And I miss him.

I don't know if anyone knows what it's like to lose someone, especially someone you wish you had a second chance with; a second chance to patch things up with because you've hurt this person before. Yeah, life goes on, but at the same time, when you lose someone you somewhat mistreated, you realize how selfish you may be, and it's not until that this person is gone that you look in the mirror and see who your true self is: selfish & for a moment, it may even seem like you're heartless.

The weather is bringing me back to my Valley High School days, and despite the fact that I really didn't like attending the school, I still love the people there, SO MUCH. And you can definitely say that Steven is the cause and reason behind it all. I can't believe it's already been a year since I've met the guy, I remember everything to the very last hair... it was at CRC and we all walked from school, we were chillin' with the usual friends and it was a nice, sunny day. His outfit: black tee, levi's, white vans authentics, SF hat, and boy, was he a CUTIE from the start. I remember because it felt like yesterday... Mark DeMille always tryna make fun of me though. His game, oh man.. indescribable how he gamed on me, and about every other girl I know, but man I got it bad for him from day 1. Not only that, but he had the greatest character, from his interests and love for cars, skateboarding, work, girls, SCHOOL, and being disciplined. He humbled me, in fact... and to this day, if I never would've met him, I don't think I would've became the person I am now. If you knew him, and read the blog (sbeezy.blogspot.com) then you ALREADY know wsup. He's my inspiration to achieve - and that's real.

Hmmph... just missing my close friend... more than anything. I'm guessing that you can say that it's all just a grieving process. But I feel as if this process is not even progressing, it goes by SLOWER and just moves BACKWARDS, like I'm not even getting any better at all... maybe it's all natural for everyone, but being as "emotional" as I truly am, I cannot seem to get over it. For me, this is hell. I hate missing someone this much, I go crazy. It has to do with trust; trusting myself, and trusting God first & foremost, that this guy is in a better place... but I'm still not at ease, and although I never ever show my true feelings about how much I miss Steven, I don't think I will ever truly accept the fact that he's gone. Because it's almost been 6 months that he's been absent from this earth & I still feel as if Steven is still here... Missing you, buddy.. loving you eternally.

"We don't look at the troubles we can see right now, rather, we look forward to what we have not yet seen. The troubles we see will soon be over, but the joys to come will last forever..."
- 2 Corinthians 4:18