In short words,

Today marks six months, and I'm still missing you.

RIP Steven Andrew Matherly
093008 2:49am.

Why does he have to freaking smile that sexy smile of his to everyone?

-___-

Why do cute people always have to KNOW they're cute? Why can't you just be oblivious to the fact that everyone wants you....

Lmfao.

I lied.. the last longboard picture I posted was ALRITE compared to this ish... HELLA SEX :( I'm inspired... aghhh, i'm about to pimp out my board..

alright week. spring break is already around the corner... going on hella trips & I already know i'm about to be hella busy. oh btw, SCREW players.

2 can play the game.

off to sunday basketball @ franklin now. PCE

Hoodie Girl Blasting Beats

What's goooood, it's friday! Nothing big planned this weekend, I'm back to dance for sure & it's good. I'm loving the feelin'. Nothing really much to say... oh besides this rant, yesterdays feeling, old news but still notable..

I’m real late on this, because it happened a while ago. It just came up to my head again & I’d like to make it clear on where I stand.

I really don’t need anyone, I’ve been through too much and I don’t need anyone’s reassurance.

Question is, why do I still try when you’re already doing your own thing? It’s not that I fell, because I sure didn’t. I just thought the chemistry was real; like I said, I’ve mistaken the friendliness for something else, but I wasn’t the only one who saw it. I think everyone saw what was right in front of them. It was pretty obvious, we had the potential for more than just your average two close friends. It’s cool though, I’m not sad or anything, I’m just fed up with people who waste my time.

I was led on to think that there was at least just a little something between us, and maybe there was…but right when we were at the peak of becoming something good, you bailed, and you did it without explanation. In all honesty, you weren’t down for me, and I deserve way more than what you just simply threw at me. I’d like to go off, but I tend to stop myself from showing my full potential on how pissed I am that this has happened once again. I guess I wasn’t really trippin, but now that I think about it, after talking to my mom a little about this time-wasting situation… she has reassured me that it wasn’t right how I was mislead to think that something was going to happen & didn’t. I don’t claim to have my guards up for nothing. I need to check myself. I don’t know why I’m so late on this, I don’t know why I’m even wasting a single thought on this broad… but it’s there, maybe it’s a sign.

Instead of just letting it go and acting as if nothing ever happened, I’m going to show all those tricks out there not to ever mess with me. Don’t underestimate me, you don’t know what I’ve been through to get here.

Thank you & good night.

ekarjfioawjadqwefawaw. ahhh, what a rant. I FEEL BETTER

Shex.

Shex. The design on that board is HELLA ILLIE! Vinyl designs, wsup though? I'm pretty stoked about my board.

I'm still a walking bruise. Still sore, but it's going away a little I guess.... tomorrow! Back to dance. Excitedexcited. Life is good. I don't need anyone to make me happy. If someone comes along to share the wealth, then it's good... but for now, WORTH THE WAIT. Peace out.

Shake it like Jello

Anotherrr chill weekend, my life is full of em.

Friday - mini day so decided to kick it with Ernie & Cindy at Boba Tea House, then visit our Valley kids! Headed out to Valley to see wsup, ended up chillin' there for a while... had youth group @ my house for the night since it was my bday Saturday, brought Cindy & ended up havin' a good time. Everyone stayed until around 2am and I got caked twice in the face... blaaah! Woke up about 5am to get ready for our snow trip, Cindy slept over... had a road trip to "Escolan" or wherever that is, met up with Nick, Ernie, Uncle & Meagan.

GOT TO DODGE RIDGE ON SATURDAY MORNING! Excitement :) Around 10am.. hit the slopes! Lemme tell ya, I SUUUCK at snowboarding... last time I went boarding I was way better then; this time around it was NOT CRAAACKIN! I think I kept getting scared everytime I started to speed up.. lol. Whatever tho I had fun, and Nick basically kept me company my last 2 runs. He has hella patience, I took HELLLA long getting down that ONE SLOPE! Hahah. But I was TIRED AS ASKLDFJALSKA, had a hard time getting myself up to walk up the hills... akldjfa. Hella worth it tho, I'm ready to go on another trip or WAKEBOARDING in the summer :)

After the adventure, ate dinner at a buffet, headed to Nick's, lightweight gone... but I'll end it there. Right about now, I'M SORE AND I NEED A WHEELCHAIR. I'm pretty much paralyzed... help!

Had a little drama Saturday night, but I'm not tripppin because I'm sure it won't break us... and if it does, then I guess it wasn't that solid at all; straight up, watch what you say & be careful what you wish for, because I've been through it all and I know what's good when it comes to feelin' alone. We'll see how strong we really claim to be.

Finally standing! Lmao

Nick nassssst.


Shweet.

Groupie.

ERNEEEEEZ.

American Apparel Socks Model... TALK TO THE HAND ALEX

Johnny Cupcakessssssss


AWESOME MUSIC COOLER: $60 BUY OFF HAIGHT STREET, good stuff <3

High five nagger. Skippy hippy :]

Replacing Alex with Maricel for a photoshoot soon

"Secret spot." What a chill morning with The Alex Maffei & Cindy Lou Who. Didn't even get pictures with double A to the Ron cause Cindy thought she had film in her camera HAHA. Had a sweet conversation with my SFL Maricel today, I reallllllly missed this girl. We need to catch up, I need the SISTERS. Snowboarding is wsup this saturday, yayayyyuh. Easy week. Happy bday to me.

“I think part of the reason why we hold on to something so tight, for so long, is because we fear something so great will never happen again.”

—	(via anhimal)

Helllllo words of wisdom. Beginning of my week is going pretty swell.. Not stressin'. GOT MY GRADES UP. fashoo! That's an accomplishment, work hard & get a good reward in the end. It feels gooooood. So, 2 late starts, but not even gonna sleep in.. decided to chill at the park tomorrow morning... Thursday/friday mini days, I'm supposedly going with Jasmine & Cindy to get Jasmine inked? Hahahah. Friday, CAN I KICK IT?! Wsup for friday tho... tryna have a chill day since Saturday is snowboarding. That's all I have to really say... lots on the mind, but don't feel like blogging. Pce

Strange things my imagination might do

I thought I saw you yesterday
But I didn't stop, 'cause you was walkin' the opposite way
I guess I could've shouted out your name
But even if it was you, I don't know what I would say
We could sit and reminisce about the old school
Maybe share a cigarette, because we both fools
Chop it up and compare perspectives
Life, love, stress and set-backs, yes
So you could tell me how hard you had it
And you could show me all the scars to back it
And we could analyze each complaint
Break it down and explain these mistakes I make
I like to tangle up the strings of the puppetry
But you knew me back when I was a younger me
You seen Sean in all types of light
And I've been meanin' to ask you if I'm doin' alright

Yesterday
Was that you? Looked just like you
Strange thangs my imagination might do
Take a breath, reflect on what we been through
Or am I just goin' crazy 'cause I miss you?

I'm shook, I know, I pushed when I should've pulled
Took it all back if I could, I put that on my soul
And I would make a top-notch good listener
If you could block-off a little time out to give it here
Since we went our separate paths
I've hit a couple snags that remind me of the past
I can't front, I'm havin' a blast
But damned if I ain't afraid of how long it's gonna last
Sittin' here wishin' we could kick it
Give me your opinions, I do miss the criticisms
I didn't mean to be distant, make a visit
I'll wait up and keep the coffee brewin' in the kitchen
But who am I jokin' with?
There's no way that you and I will ever get to re-open it
It doesn't matter, this is more than love
And maybe if I'm lucky, get to see you out the corner of

Yesterday
Was that you? Looked just like you
Strange thangs my imagination might do
Take a breath, reflect on what we been through
Or am I just goin' crazy 'cause I miss you?

And when you left, I didn't see it comin'
I guess I slept, it ain't like you was runnin'
You crept out the front door slow
And I was so self-absorbed I didn't even know
And by the time I looked up it was booked up
Put it all behind you, the bad and the good stuff
A whole house full of dreams and steps
I think you'd be impressed with the pieces I kept
You disappeared but the history is still here
It's why I try not to cry over spilt beer
I can't even get mad that you're gone
Leavin' me was probably the best thing you ever taught me
I'm sorry, it's official
I was a fist-full, I didn't keep it simple
Chip on the shoulder, anger in my veins
Had so much hatred, now it brings me shame
Never thought about the world without you
And I promise that I'll never say another bad word about you
I thought I saw you yesterday
But I knew it wasn't you, 'cause you passed away

The Ultimate Combo

Where is Steven Matherly when all else fails?

I don't mean to sound all emo, but he'd usually be up at this hour, and I'm expecting an IM from him. Really though, he was the the guy always down for me. It’s hard to find cause lately so many people just don’t have that realness in them the way he did. I miss you more and more each day, it still hurts... RIP <3


Today was filled with sunshine - bright sunny days, a good day to take a walk. After study hall at school around 4, I didn't know what to do, who to hit up, so I scrolled down the numbers in my phone book... happened to stumble across Steven Matherly's name, and FOR A SPLIT SECOND, I was really about to call him subconsciously, as if he was still here to kick it with me. I ended up just taking a walk by myself to buy some Thai Tea boba; our absolute FAVORITE and the same drink he bought me the last time I saw him physically. I miss his smile, and his laugh... I used to be able to call his number up WHENEVER WHEREVER because he was just that great of a friend to me... do you know how freaking rare it is to find an awesome friend like that? Because I can literally count on ONE HAND how many friends I have that are down for me like how he was. He's rare; hard to find. And I miss him.

I don't know if anyone knows what it's like to lose someone, especially someone you wish you had a second chance with; a second chance to patch things up with because you've hurt this person before. Yeah, life goes on, but at the same time, when you lose someone you somewhat mistreated, you realize how selfish you may be, and it's not until that this person is gone that you look in the mirror and see who your true self is: selfish & for a moment, it may even seem like you're heartless.

The weather is bringing me back to my Valley High School days, and despite the fact that I really didn't like attending the school, I still love the people there, SO MUCH. And you can definitely say that Steven is the cause and reason behind it all. I can't believe it's already been a year since I've met the guy, I remember everything to the very last hair... it was at CRC and we all walked from school, we were chillin' with the usual friends and it was a nice, sunny day. His outfit: black tee, levi's, white vans authentics, SF hat, and boy, was he a CUTIE from the start. I remember because it felt like yesterday... Mark DeMille always tryna make fun of me though. His game, oh man.. indescribable how he gamed on me, and about every other girl I know, but man I got it bad for him from day 1. Not only that, but he had the greatest character, from his interests and love for cars, skateboarding, work, girls, SCHOOL, and being disciplined. He humbled me, in fact... and to this day, if I never would've met him, I don't think I would've became the person I am now. If you knew him, and read the blog (sbeezy.blogspot.com) then you ALREADY know wsup. He's my inspiration to achieve - and that's real.

Hmmph... just missing my close friend... more than anything. I'm guessing that you can say that it's all just a grieving process. But I feel as if this process is not even progressing, it goes by SLOWER and just moves BACKWARDS, like I'm not even getting any better at all... maybe it's all natural for everyone, but being as "emotional" as I truly am, I cannot seem to get over it. For me, this is hell. I hate missing someone this much, I go crazy. It has to do with trust; trusting myself, and trusting God first & foremost, that this guy is in a better place... but I'm still not at ease, and although I never ever show my true feelings about how much I miss Steven, I don't think I will ever truly accept the fact that he's gone. Because it's almost been 6 months that he's been absent from this earth & I still feel as if Steven is still here... Missing you, buddy.. loving you eternally.

"We don't look at the troubles we can see right now, rather, we look forward to what we have not yet seen. The troubles we see will soon be over, but the joys to come will last forever..."
- 2 Corinthians 4:18

Don’t identify yourself with only your appearance. Be at least as interested in what goes on inside of you as what goes on outside. Have internal things to offer the world like ideas, knowledge and personality…looks will fade. F-- America’s idealism and gender roles. Do what you like; don’t do anything that isn’t you. Don’t limit yourself by social constraints. Have the courage to live your BEST life possible.

Not just tonight, but the rest of your life

anhimal:

Definitely 7 minutes worth the watch.

Soooo, this week has been filled with sunshine, and I love taking advantage of it. Had a chill weekend, I spend time with Cindy Lou Who like every day of my life. I love the girls though! I helllllla hella missed hanging out with girls for once, since me & Cindy are pretty much hanging out with guys all the time. No lie, it's HELLA fun with guys cause we can be more of ourselves, but once in a while we just need a day to talkkkk and vent our lives out to our main girls... we missed you, Traci & Jayne! Pictures later, but for now, this is our love:

Next week will be even more chill:
- Monday: Regular late start
- Tuesday/Wednesday: Reverse minimum days... SLEEP IN & maybe breakfast?
- Thursday/Friday: Regular minimum days... Can I kick it? J street again to buy the stuff we wanted? Me & Cindy are competitive shoppers. She knows wsup, I actually hide the stuff I want to buy later just so no one else will.
- Saturday: BZURFDAY, either snow or sf, still tryna figure out my plans.
- Sunday: Chill... basketball with Intersection at Franklin? Routinely Sunday thing. It's comin' back, cause were drama free :) I really did miss my youth group though... Summer is near!

Just enjoying my life.

Future items... still workin' on it though. Birthday maybe? :)
I'M EXCITED TO LONGBOARD.

Oh... and my dream baby. I might change it later, but I'm diggin' this for now:

Why am I so shy?

You wrote a ballad
We dined on oysters and champagne
That's it seemed like
We connect in so many ways
So easy, I must say

Why am I so shy around you?
Why am I so shy?
Why do I take care to astound you?
Why do I even try?

Hella emo, but freakin' TRUE about me hahaha. When it comes to someone I really like, I become this way -.-

SO TIRED. Eff an art class, why do I really have the most homework in this class but it's not even NECESSARY? Goodnight. Blog later. I have loads on my mind, oh and online shopping birthday wish lists. Hahaha.

Walkin' down J Street

So, my weekend has been pretty freaking good. The sun was shining, everyone was in a good mood, and most of all.. I caught up with some old friends. One person, in particular, I haven't talked to in about 6 months now. I never thought we'd actually talk ever again, but God works his miracles... and needless to say, I'm incredibly happy with my life right now. I'm not tryna jinx it or anything, but I can say for sure that I'm enjoying this moment. "I can't front, I'm havin' a blast, but damned if I ain't afraid of how long it's gonna last." Real talk though, today was pretty refreshing. It brought it back to the summer days of 2008.

Yesterday was a good family day. Spent saturday afternoon in Downtown with my dad & Sammie, walking around the mall and J Street. My dad actually bought me a Roxy bag, hella picked it out & just randomly bought it for me, hahah he actually loves me! Lol. It was nice though. After westfield, decided to park at J St. and walk around. Visited Havoc, US., UpperPlayground, Thunderhorse vintage (my favorite), etc. Nice day. Later that night, chilled with Cindy, Alex, and Gabester at Crazy Sushi and my house. Had a nice loooong conversation with Alex & Cindy until about 2am in my living room just talking about the most random things. Alex is hella funny though, he talks us to sleep but it's all gooood! Hahah. I love random nights. I haven't had one of those good conversations in a while.

Mmm. Boo for going back to school :/ Maricel's cotillion practices are starting tomorrow though. I'm about to play my debut soon too, I need ideas. Overall this weekend was hella chill. Pictures!

Gunther's Ice Cream, our all time favorite old school ice cream shop in Sac.

UnitedState. One of my other favorite stores in Sac.

Vintage bags, shoes, and clothes. Fashion Heaven.

Bloood line <3Walked all the way to UpperPlayground just to find out that they're closed for lunch. -.-
Came back helllla days later though.

My dad drove around just to show me this mural. Pretty dope.

I'm HELLLLLA tired. Good day of longboarding, watching basketball, and shooting my own hoops up at Franklin. I might just knock out soon, even though it's only 9.
Peace out.

Colorgenics

Name: Desiree
Date: 3/7/2009
Colorgenics Number: 45132706

You have a vivid imagination and this is good. Great inventors, explorers all had inventive, imaginative minds. Your friends and acquaintances may consider you over-imaginative and given to fantasy or day-dreaming. So what? this is a part of your character and charm.

Always anxious to accept the role of the leader, as indeed you often work well with people - but try to stay out of the limelight. You'd like a life of ease with no one to rock the boat and someone who understands you is so important in your life.

Everyone has to compromise at times and circumstances are such that at this time you are feeling the need to do just that. Put all of your hopes on the back burner and let matters flow for a time - forgo some of the things you want. The good times are just around the corner.

You are holding back. You need to find friends in whom you can trust and once they have proved themselves beyond all possible doubt you will be prepared to give them your all. The existing situation is not of your liking - you have an unsatisfied need for mental stimulation with others whose standards are as high as your own. Trying to control your instincts the way you do restricts your ability to open up to others and the way you feel at this time is suggestive of 'total surrender'. This is not to your liking as you consider such thoughts as weaknesses that need to be overcome. You feel that only by control, controlling your innermost thoughts, are you able to maintain your air of superiority. You want to be admired for yourself alone and not for what you can do or for what you may have done. In essence 'you need to be needed' and at the same time 'you need to need'.

You feel that you need to move on. You feel that you are not appreciated or valued for what you are and that the time is 'now'. Failure to do so will not afford you the conditions to prove your worth.

Truuuuuuue that. Off to the mall now, bye.

Blast from the Past

I'm loving these random, chill nights. I told you I kick it with the most random people in Elk Grove. If you want something to happen, make it happen. There are way too many people out there who claim they wanna stay close and kick it but never do anything about it.

Branden Buentipo - quite the character. I've known him for so long and we've managed to stay close, but we barely even see each other! Until now :) Random text from him asking to kick it, and finally, a night that I was free and decided to meet up with him. We had a good talk, caught up with each other's lives, all that good stuff. Can't believe that I used to talk to this fool like my 8th grade year and this is us, three/four years later! Hahaha, hella cute. Cindy was free later on too, so we just chilled & Strikes for bowling! Damn, I suck at bowling for sure, Cindy is bossss at everything she does, I hate her. Hahah jk, but I haven't kicked it with her or "CC/LBM" in a chill ass minute, I really miss them. I'm really missing the SFL too, but I understand what's going on, and I respect that everyone needs space once in a while.

Oh, I'm getting my board soon... but I'm definitely not telling you where from. You never would've guessed. It's a surprise, it'll be dope! So apparently everyone had a "hella chill" day ditching. Whatever lol, I was busy stayin' on top of my GAME at school. I have to admit, accomplishment is gooood :) I got all my homework done before the weekend even started. To me, that's an achievement. Haha.

Hmm... free weekend, I was hella down to go to the city tomorrow for the Urban Paradise show, but it doesn't look like it's gonna happen. It's all good, I'm down for whatever.

Goodnight Elk Grove.

Life goes on

Life Goes On - Pigeon John featuring Abstract Rude

No matter if your life is tattered and you cant fix what went wrong, life goes on
No matter if your life is battered, your a hook in your own theme song, life goes on
You're a fighter but the grip is tighter and you know that you cant stand long, life goes on
But its gonna get brighter, life goes on

Dumb broads just irritate me sometimes. Sad to say that only my fam know my true bad self, only because I don't feel like showing the whole freaking world how much mess I talk, not a good habit, but it's truth sometimes.

If you can't handle me, then peace out!

*My bad for the mood swings. But I'm irritated as hell. Need to dip outta the Grove for a minute. I'm hoping SF this weekend, 'cause I really don't care anymore.

My life on the daily

Basically, what's on my mind most of the time nowadays is where I'm gonna be at in the future. There are infinite options for me, there are no limits :) I'm really excited. I know things are going to change, some for better or worse, and I'll definitely find out who my real people are, yet I think I already have a clue who's gonna be there for me outside of just the basic routine school and "kick it" days. One more year, college, life after that...what a journey.

PRIORITIES & GOALS

- GOD: I let him down one too many times, and I can't keep banking on grace... I feel like I really need to step it up, because He's given me more than what I deserve.
- SCHOOL: GRADES NEED TO BE UP THERE, AND I WANNA ACCOMPLISH A LOT BY SENIOR YEAR. I love the feeling of success. Slackin' on the job is NOT wsup anymore.
- FAMILY: Issues, getting them solved. They're who I'm stuck with for life, so I gotta keep that relationship with them. Love them regardless.
- GIRLS: Because they're the ones who are always down. Yeah I don't get to see all of them as much as I'd like, but distance surely doesn't seperate us. Cheesy, but whatever... I love them.
- DEBUT: It's gonna be big. I'm planning early so that I won't be swamped by all the minor details. It definitely won't be as big as my wedding, but it'll be up there. Seisa's know how to party.
- DANCE: Press PLAY, the 2nd family, it's been about 2 years since my audition and still going strong! 6 month break but it ain't nothin', I'll be back for sure.
- KICK ITS: I roll with the most random people in Elk Grove, bringin' together the people you never would've even thought existed in this town. And I'm hella thankful that they're there just for me to forget about all my miseries, hahha.
- MISC: Whoever seems to cross my path.. WORTHTHEWAIT. Pretty much decided that i'm not going to settle for anything less than what I deserve, or anything unworthy of MY precious time...
- JOB: This is one of my top notch. I need the $crill to get ANY of the things I want to achieve. Cash from parents ain't cuttin' it anymore.

Trying to cut back from telling myself and others that “it’s whatever” when truth is, that it’s NOT just whatever… and I really do care. Stop the fronts, I can see right through you.

Oh snappp, this is about to be my baby sister though! Give her a few years :)

Hopefully this snowboarding trip for my birthday pulls through, cause I’m getting super excited!

PS. I really don't know why I have two blogs though.

18 days: 032109

I'm thinking the good ol' yearly trip to the snow and go boarding! Or maybe a nice drive down to SF and shopping. Haven't been to Haight Street in a few months. We'll see wsup down there... maybe?

I miss Steven Andrew Matherly...
it's been said a million times, and I'll say it a million times more.

RELAX

Current mood: Slightly pissed with a bit of irritation. 90% chance of me throwing a book at someone.

I cannot wait until this term is over. That is when I'm officially back to Press Play. But asdlkfjaal, why is that hella long to me?! Pure torture. I'm gonna get rusty, I already know it.

Happiest place on earth

I am in desperate need to get away,

I miss the city.

SF this Saturday, hopefully.

(If I had my way though, I'd be in Los Angeles already.)

Speaking of LA, I have a free ticket to Disneyland the day of my birthday, March 21st, and that's a Saturday you beezies! I'm down to go :)

2:48am

Helllllla tired, good day though.
Went to strikes in the early morning to catch the $3 special with parents, youth and siblings. Coincidentally, our lane was right next to TheGabes and TheMoms and we were choppppin' it up. I suck at bowling, let me tell you that. Came home, had people over, chilled until about five. Got ready for Ning's shindiggity! Man I can't believe she's already 21! Haha so old, she's like an Ate to me foreal though, I love her! She's always there for me to talk about problems or whatever and from what everyone was saying at the party, she's just a friend who will take the time out for you whenever, wherever. I think everyone needs a down-for-whatever type friend like that.

But yeah, the party - it was cool, like a mini debut. Ate at World sushi buffet on Freeport, watched performances, Intersection, Joyce, Press P.L.A.Y., Traveling Sisters, etc. It was just a carefree, fun night. Oh and I got to play a little bit with Matt's sexy Rebel xSi. Mmm.

Headed to practice after that, and it's about 2:46am and I just got home. My parents let me out yeeeauhhh :D Practice was dope, I caught up on a few of the dances.. I'm hoping I get to attend Urban Paradise at Palace of Fine Arts this Saturday. Press play is about to rent a hotel for the night near Fishermans Wharf but I don't know about all that.. I'm just tryna watch the show.

That was my Saturday. Pretty interesting. I'm hungry now... ergh.

HAPPY 21ST BIRTHDAY SOFIA NING! I love you! ♥

It's been about 4 days and counting. Game over?